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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



IN THE 

COLLEGE DAYS 



®0 ^g ^atiitt 



IN THE 

College Days 

A GROUP 
OF MONOLOGUES 

By LINDSEY BARBEE 

AUTHOR OF 

"AFTER THE GAME." 

"AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW," 

"THE DREAM THAT CAME TRUE." 

"THE FIFTEENTH OF JANUARY." 

"THE KINGDOM OF HEARTS-CONTENT." 

"THE THREAD OF DESTINY," 

AND 

"A TRIAL OF HEARTS." 




CHICAGO 
S. DENISON & COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 






Copyright, 1914 

BY 

EBEN H. NORRIS 



MAR 23 1914 



©C1,A86298 6 



PREFACE 




OLLEGE is a little world 
-within itself — it has its own 
traditions, institutions and 
types, each o£ -which is dear 
to the one -who has roamed 
the campus. College spirit 
never dies; years may come and §o hut the 
glamour of those happy days never leaves 
the one -who has lingered in the enchanted 
land and like Aeneas of old, the college man 
together "with the college -woman is proud 
to say **I -was a part of it all." 

These monologues attempt to portray the 
different phases of the campus life; to depict 
the different individuals that compose the 
campus citizenship; to give to the uninitiated 
a glimpse of the glad, free life -within the 
college -walls. With a fe-w exceptions, the 
speeches are those of college girls; hut these 
exceptions, -while illustrating types of college 
men, are -written in such a -way that they 
may he satisfactorily and perfectly rendered 
by -women. 



CONTENTS 



Before the Curtain Goes Up . . 9 
The Maids of Yesterday .... 13 

After the Wedding 19 

At the Game 25 

Molly Receives 31 

The Joys of Rushing 45 

Concerning Exams 51 

The Freshman Speaks Extempora- 
neously 55 

Five Minutes Before the Bell . . 59 

After Ten Years 65 

At the Glee Club Concert ... 69 

On the Side Lines 73 

At Sunset 77 

Bet^veen Dances 81 

Was It Worth While? .... 85 

In the Gipsy Camp 89 

The Freshman Gitbers .... 95 
Every Lassie Has Her Laddie . . 101 

Memory's Booh 107 

After the Curtain Goes Down . . 117 



BEFORE THE CURTAIN 
GOES UP 

Characters: 

The Prompter. 
The Cast. 

Scene : Behind the Curtain, 

Prompter: Speaks, 

If Fm to hold the lines, where am I to 
sit? Over there} I can't see a thing. 
{Turns.) Here! Well, you people will 
never be able to hear me and you know 
you needed lots of prompting last night. 
Who made you up, Marie? I must 
say you look more like a soubrette than 
an elderly person and — {Turns.) Good 
gracious, Kathryn, a red, red rose isn't 
in it by the side of you! Of course 
one does appear pale in the glare of the 
footlights but there's a limit to pro- 
fusion of color. {Rubs Kathryn s cheek.) 
Ugh ! It comes off, too ; now what do you 
suppose would happen to your counten- 
ance if the leading man should kiss you? 
I wish you had allowed me to do that 
job — I can put on make-up so that it 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

stays for days. Lucia, do get away 
from that hole in the curtain; you 
people have poked at it until it's notice- 
able from the audience, and you can't 
imagine how weird it is to see a spectral 
eye glaring from the opening. Stuart, 
either you or I must get out of the way 
— that dangling sword of yours has 
tripped me twice, and if it gets tangled 
up with you while you're making that 
high-flown speech, I see your finish. 
{Turns,) Mildred, your hair is out of 
curl and your petticoat shows. Come 
here and I'll pin it up. {Bends over.) 
Joe, couldn't you find a looser uniform ? 
You give the impression of being so 
well-fed that you've outgrown your 
clothes — and I don't believe the Civil 
War furnished any such husky speci- 
mens. {Turns.) Elizabeth, don't look 
so fussed when Arch puts his arm 
around you — he doesn't mean anything 
by it, even in real life. And Arch — for 
goodness' sake — remember to take off 
your hat in that second act when you 
come in, wounded. Southern men al- 
ways take off their hats in the presence 
of ladies — yes they do, too, even when 

10 



BEFORE THE CURTAIN 

threatened by battle, murder or sudden 
death. {She motions.) Frances, in that 
last act when you're feeding custard to 
your man, for pity's sake don't drop the 
stuff on his uniform. We don't care 
to be charged extra for spots. Jerry, 
Confederate soldiers may have worn 
patent leather pumps with worn-out 
uniforms, but I doubt it. Bob and 
Madelyn, don't you forget for a mo- 
ment that you're niggers; and Colonel, 
do your best to make that farewell 
scene pathetic. Your dying ought to 
make an awful hit. {She motions wild- 
ly.) Stand away from that overhang- 
ing beam, Muriel. If it should hit you 
in the head, I don't know what would 
become of that third act. It might 
kill you, too — stop to think about it ! 

The audience is getting very im- 
patient. Why can't we ever begin on 
time .? What ? Everybody's been ready 
for five minutes.? Well, why on earth 
didn't you say so! {Excitedly.) Scoot, 
all of you! Talk loud, wait for your 
laughs, make your points and above all 
— dont forget. {Turns.) Yes — the 
curtain! We're ready! 

11 



THE MAIDS OF YESTERDAY 

Characters: 

An Alumna. 
Her Maid. 

An Alumna: Speaks, seated. 

There is nothing more to serve, 
Marie; when I have finished, I shall 
ring; and — one more word before you 
go. I thank you for your patience 
with the whims of a restless woman, 
for it has doubtless seemed very strange 
to you, this dinner with the five empty 
places. You are too young to realize 
the pathos of utter loneliness and yet 
even for you, Marie, there will come 
the time when the past is more vivid 
than the present; when the memory 
of old days, old friends will hold the 
very sweetness of life to you. Twenty- 
five years ago tonight, in the disman- 
tled room of a dormitory, six of us held 
our last supper together. Six of us, 
who had gone through four long years 
side by side; who had shared the little 
joys and sorrows; who had worn the 

13 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

badge of the self-same secret order. 
Stronger ties than the usual college 
friendship held us together; perfect 
understanding and sympathy made our 
comradeship a very precious thing. That 
was twenty-five years ago. The years 
have brought their changes and their 
separation ; but the spirit of loyalty re- 
mains, and that is why I chose to be 
with them, tonight, in spirit. While 
you were thinking me the sole, silent, 
abstracted partaker of the feast, I was 
living again those days of carefree 
happiness ; where you saw empty chairs 
I beheld the personalities of those 
whose friendship has meant so much to 
me; while you marveled at the quiet, 
at the gloom of it all, I was listening to 
girlish chatter and gay laughter — I was 
hearing once more the voices of the 
past. I shall not detain you longer, 
and as I said before, I thank you. 

And so, dear girls of long ago, I sum- 
mon you from a shadowy past. I de- 
clare that there are no such barriers as 
time, as space, as change; for now I 
see you as you were on that night so 
long ago, and I toast you from my 

14 



MAIDS OF YESTERDAY 

heart of hearts ! It is the cry of a lonely 
woman for the companionship of her 
youth, a woman for whom ambitions 
have been gratified, to whom the 
world has given much of that which is 
counted worth while; and yet a woman 
whose life is incomplete, whose spirit 
longs for the something^ the unattain- 
able, the indescribable that will bring 
her happiness. 

{She rises.) To you, first, dear 
Ruth, I raise the cup of memory; you of 
the sunny hair, the tender eyes and the 
winsome smile. You, alone from our 
midst, have gone into the Great Un- 
known; you, alone, have solved the 
mystery of mysteries ; and yet you have 
not left us, for in the wreath of our 
love and friendship you have twined 
the forget-me-nots of your sweetness, 
your unselfishness and your purity. 

{She raises her glass,) And to you, 
Gertrude, I drink deeply of the wine of 
success. You have held in your hand 
the keys to the kingdoms of science, of 
literature and of art; you have claimed 
their treasures for your own. You are 
leader and educator by the gift of your 

15 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

own talent and culture; Doctor of 
Philosophy by the favor of a great 
university ; true woman and loyal friend 
by the grace of God ! 

{She raises her glass,) I should drink 
your toast to the sound of music, 
Elizabeth, the music that has always 
been so vital a part of you. Even in 
the old days, the magic of your fingers 
cast a spell over us, and now, some- 
times, when I listen to you, I close my 
eyes and interpret the golden melody 
as it pleases my fancy; and ever and 
anon, I hear the rapturous trill of the 
freshman, the arrogant staccatos of 
the sophomore, the strong, steady 
chords of the junior, and the plaintive 
minor strain that marks the tender 
farewell of the senior. 

{She raises her glass,) Only bright 
and sparkling wine, dear Anne, for you, 
with many an iridescent bubble of 
reputation. "All the world's a stage," 
you proclaimed in our college days; 
now, for you, all the stage is a world 
which is peopled by the creations of 
your genius; a stage whereon the 
elusive winsomeness of the maid has 

16 



MAIDS OF YESTERDAY 

developed into the fascination and the 
wonderful personality of the woman. 
The plaudits of thousands have rung 
in your ears ; the adoration of a multi- 
tude has been yours to command; and 
yet, I have ever with me the vision of 
the transcendently happy girl as she 
answered her first curtain call in the 
little college drama so long ago. 

{She raises her glass.) Yet once 
again I raise my glass, and this time 
to you, Marian. Your quiet smile and 
tender handclasp have meant much to 
those of us who have struggled toward 
achievement ; your word of encourage- 
ment, your gentle sympathy, have help- 
ed us along the rugged road to fame. 
And yet you asked for yourself no 
wider sphere than that of a happy 
home; you craved no greater reward 
than the labor, the unselfishness and the 
influence of a beloved mother. And 
which one of us will deny that you have 
chosen the better part. 

In the words of your profession, 
Anne, "the lights are out and the 
curtain is rung down". The audience 
is gone, the flowers have faded and the 

\7 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

music dies away. Tonight is but a 
memory of the days that have been — 
that can never be again ! 



18 



AFTER THE WEDDING 

Characters: 

One of the bridesmaids. 
Her escort. 

Scene: A secluded corner. 
She : Speaks 

Am I tired? Well — yes! Do I show 
it? 
Now don't dare to say that I do. 
Will I rest ? I will, and you know it. 

Fm weary of dancing. Aren't you ? 
There's a palm-sheltered corner out 
yonder — 
Here — carry my bridesmaid bouquet 
— {Hands bouquet.) 
To this haven of peace let us wander 
And rest 'long the strenuous way! 
Yes — strenuous — for I'm confessing 
I'm glad that the wedding is o'er; 
I'm weary of dancing and dressing 

And pre-nuptial parties galore. 
There've been dinners and luncheons 
and showers 
And plenty of gay matinees; 

19 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

We've reveled in hearts and in flowers 
And arrows and cupids for days. 

That's all very well for the maiden 
Who can sleep all the following 
morn; 

But I — with my soph'more cares lad- 
en — 
Oh truly, I'm wretched and worn. 

For I've bluffed till I'm pos'tively 
shameless; 
I've cut till my pride is no more; 

I've flunked with methodical sameness; 

My failures will number a score. 
But it's back to the text books to- 
morrow; 

It's back to the ranks of the Sophs; 

It's back to the class-rooms of sorrow; 

It's back to beguiling the profs. 
Oh, here is the corner we're seeking; 

I like to be screened in from view; 
It's always such fun to be peeking 

At those who can never see you! 
{Seats herself,) 

Now what shall we talk of? The wed- 
ding ? 
The presents ? The bridesmaids ? The 
rice ? 

20 



AFTER THE WEDDING 

It sounds like a newspaper heading — 
The refreshments y you say? That's 
not nice. 
Talk of me, then? There's nothing 
worth saying; 
I'm merely a soph'more, that's all. 
But a student has no time for playing, 
She must listen to Learning's stern 
call. 
Henceforth, I shall seek after knowl- 
edge; 
^ In the paths of reform I'll advance; 
I'll be true to the precepts of college; 
I'll — {Quickly.) What did you say 
'bout a dance ? 
Next Friday? The Club? Oh, how 
charming — 
Will I go? What a question to ask! 
I accept with a fervor alarming. 

And find it no difficult task. 
Let me see — Of what was I speaking? 
My life-work? Oh yes. {With dig- 
nity.) Without doubt, 
A fuller experience I'm seeking; 

I'm determined to reason it out. 
Life's too short to frivol and fritter — 
{Suddenly.) What a gorgeous fra- 
ternity pin ! ( Takes it.) 



21 ) 

i 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

AH emeralds and diamonds a-glitter, 

With date and initials within! 
For the girl you're engaged to? How 
thrilling! 
How soon will you give it away? 
Oh, not till you know she is willing? 
Hurry up and find out what she'll 
say! 
{Returns pin.) Wait, Fll help you 
discover her feelings; 
I've thought of the wonderful-est 
plan; 
Quite like to Dan Cupid's own deal- 
ings. 
First aid to a love sick young man ! 

Have you paper? Yes? Then, will 
you share it? 
{Takes it,) (I'm assisting Fate — 
don't be afraid !) 
Into seven small strips I shall tear it; 
{Tears paper,) 
Write on each one the name of some 
maid. {Writes,) 
Have you wedding cake handy ? You'll 
need it — 
{Takes it.) We'll tie all together- 
just so — {Ties.) 

22 



AFTER THE WEDDING 

Take a word of advice and'then heed it. 
If the name of your fate you would 
know. 

For a week dream upon it, each morn- 

Draw a sHp — tear it up, right away. 

Look not at the name — heed my warn- 
ing— 
And then on the dread seventh day. 

Take out the last paper, unfold it. 

Read the name of the maiden within; 
The one whom fate chooses; behold 
it — 
And straightway take leave of that 
pin ! 

(Rising.) Dear me! There is auntie 
out yonder; 
She thinks I have vanished from 
sight, 
ril leave you to muse and to ponder 
Those things which Fve told you. 
Good night. 

(^ week later,) 

You just couldn't wait ? How exciting ! 

What's happened to hurry you so? 
You couldn't entrust it to writing.'' 

Come tell me. I'm dying to know. 

23 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

You drew the last paper, you're saying? 

Oh I can't, I don't want to guess! 
A trust I've been basely betraying; 

I've something, right now to confess. 
My name on the paper? I know it. 

I'm pos'tively dying with shame. 
What's more, I don't care if I show it, 

For I wrote on each slip my own 
name. 
You mean it? After all I've confided? 

You really had chosen me, dear? 
Without help of the slips you decided ? 

Your pin? You may put it right 
here! 



24 



AT THE GAME 

Characters: 

A Football Enthusiast. 
Her Escort. 

Scene: The grand-stand. 
She : Speaks ^ seating herself. 

Dear me, Mr. Weston, give me time 
to think. Fm fairly gasping with 
knowledge, now that you have so fully 
explained football to me — in words of 
one syllable for young listeners. Why, 
you haven't left even a detail to the 
imagination. {Turns,) What's that? 
You believe that no girl is capable of 
thoroughly understanding the simplest 
phase of the game ^. That isn't nice of 
you, for in these progressive days, no 
one dares to slam the feminine intel- 
ligence; it's like dancing on the edge 
of a volcano. {Pause.) You didn't 
mean it that way.f* Oh-I-see! The 
same principle I presume that causes 
us to doubt the masculine comprehen- 
sion of — oh, so many things — the eter- 

25 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

nal feminine, for example. But I'm 
wandering from the subject, and I can 
tell from your expression that above 
all else, you desire me to pay strict 
attention to the game, and to refrain 
from asking ridiculous questions. 
{Thoughtfully,) Now, let me see. Those 
funny turning poles at each end of the 
field are the touchdowns, and the ob- 
ject of the game is to get the goal over 
them. {Turns and holds up hand,) 
Now, dont prompt me, for it's so 
much better to reason it out for my- 
self! {Points.) Those white lines are 
used in keeping score, aren't they? 
Five points each time they push each 
other over! It reminds me of that 
funny old game of hop-scotch I used to 
play when a youngster. Oh-h-h ! Why 
is everybody yelling so "i {Rises.) The 
team? Poor things, just like lambs 
going to the slaughter. {Seats herself 
and peers anxiously.) What a beautiful 
kick — how much does it count? Sup- 
pose the ball hits somebody! {Nudges 
her neighbor.) See him run — oh, look, 
look — ^why he's gone ever so far; he's 
still going, and — Oh, I never saw any- 

26 



AT THE GAME 

thing so disgusting; that big fellow 
grabbed him by the leg and pulled him 
down ! {Leans forward.) Just watch 
themlfix their collective eye upon the ball 
— for all the world like rushing season, 
with the helpless freshman as the vic- 
tim. {Excitedly,) My! See him dodge — 
and knock — and hammer ! They've got 
him — no, they haven't — he's off again, 
and he's passed one, two, three of 
those white lines. Oh, how splendid! 
{Turns to her companion.) Why don't 
you yell? What's that ? He happens to 
be on the other team? I suppose that 
does make a difference ! {Pause.) What 
a silence! Why you can fairly hear it, 
and — watch that kick — 'way over the 
turning pole ! {Looks anxiously around.) 
What's the matter with the team? 
Don't they see that the ball is in full 
sight of everybody ? And not a single 
man makes a move toward it! For 
sheer stupidity I've never seen the like 
— or is each too modest to brave the 
public eye? {Turns.) I don't blame you 
for being enthusiastic over the game ; 
I'm getting all worked up myself. 
{Leans forward.) Why are they all scat- 

27 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

tered out that way — or is the quarter 
over? How many quarters are there, 
anyway? Ah, now they're all hud- 
dling up again — it makes a queer, 
wiggly feeling go up and down my spine. 
(Rises quickly.) Look there, Mr. Wes- 
ton, can't you see what they're do- 
ing? It's the same play that Billy 
Barton made in the game with Har- 
vard — don't you remember? It saved 
the day, and — (catches hold of his arm.) 
Watch that quarter-back! He has the 
ball from center and has dropped upon 
the ground. The back field will hit 
the center like a center buck and — (ex- 
citedly.) What did I tell you ? They're 
delaying a little. That's till the end 
comes round to make interference. 
There, there! See the quarter-back bob 
up with a clear field. Hooray-ray-ray! 
(Turns.) Don't look at me that way, 
Mr. Weston, because I'm apologizing 
just as fast as I can for deceiving you. 
I do know a great deal about foot- 
ball ; I can't help it for my father was 
captain in his day, my brother is half 
back on the Yale team and when other 
girls were perusing Mother Goose, I 

28 



AT THE GAME 

was learning the difference between fly- 
ing wedges and drop kicks. Forget the 
inane remarks I've been guilty of, and 
let's settle down to enjoy the game. 
But first, just one word more — when 
you invite a visiting girl to a football 
game, Mr. Weston, be pretty sure of 
her pedigree in that line, and don't tell 
her that she can't understand the tech- 
nicalities. {Suddenly,) Who has the 
ball now ? Our men ? Pretty work ! 



29 



MOLLY RECEIVES 

Characters: 

Molly Meredith, a typical college 

girL 
Bess, who stands next in line. 

Scene: One corner in the college gym- 
nasium at the opening reception of 
the college year, 
Molly Meredith: Speaks, 

{Struggling with refractory glove,) Here 
I am, Bess, on time for once in my life. 
It took the united efforts of the family 
to get me off, but — {holding out arm.) 
Would you mind fastening this left 
glove? It's just about killing me, and 
— {looking more closely at her arm.) Well, 
no wonder! It's Kate's, and, incident- 
ally, two sizes smaller than mine. 
How stupid of me to get them mixed. 
Oh well {placing hand stiffly at side)^ 
I'll hide my sufferings under a smiling 
countenance, and the fact that my 
right hand appears larger than the left 
will perhaps be ascribed to its being 

31 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

violently shaken by the incoming stu- 
dent body at the opening reception of 
the college year. Think of my being 
chosen to appear in the receiving line, 
where heretofore have been found only 
those who bask in the light of faculty 
approbation, and who are chosen as 
models for the imitative and imagina- 
tive freshmen. It's the first time in my 
checkered career that I've been lifted 
to the pedestal of a public example and 
I'm a bit dizzy and demoralized by the 
sudden prominence. (Looks around.) 
Where am I to stand? Oh, by you? 
How perfectly fine! And at the very 
end of the line? (Moves down a jew 
steps.) What an opportunity for self- 
effacement! For the victim will be so 
physically incapacitated and so men- 
tally deficient by the time he reaches 
me that it will only be necessary to 
flash a dazzling smile upon him and to 
thrust him into the dissipation of the 
social whirl awaiting him. Dissipation! 
When the biggest thrill of the evening 
is the discussion of one's course of 
study! Dissipation! At an opening 
reception — think of it Bess; one might 

32 



MOLLY RECEIVES 

sooner imagine Socrates learning to rag! 
{Bending and looking down line.) ''By 
the pricking of my thumbs — A good 
full-back this way comes." Look, Bess, 
isn't he some weight? And the very 
first one to arrive on the scene of action ; 
green, gullible and ready for the grid- 
iron, Fd call him. {Nudging Bess.) Look 
at him shake Mrs. Prexy's hand — for 
all the world like a pump-handle — and 
behold his agitation as his gaze falls 
upon us. I'll make him feel at home. 
Oh, Mr. Phillips ? {Shaking hands.) I'm 
so glad to meet you, and in imagination 
I'm already counting the victims that 
will fall under your perfectly good 
avoirdupois. {Shaking a finger at him.) 
Now don't say a word, for we co-eds 
simply adore football men and you'll 
soon become accustomed to excessive 
adoration. How many are out for 
practice ? And what chance for a win- 
ning team have we.^ {Pause) Oh — oh! 
You're studying theology.? How terri- 
ble — two hundred pounds gone wrong! 
Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't mean 
that, and I suppose you really do need 
muscle to fight the devil. If — {turn- 

2>Z 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

ing.) Mercy, Bess, see him run. I 
believe he thinks rm alUed with His 
Satanic Majesty, and here I thought 
he was a football possibility. Blow 
number one; but Molly, crushed to 
earth, shall rise again ! Bess, the pros- 
pects of my becoming an easy and 
tactful welcomer of guests are a wee 
bit gloomy. {Catches Bess by the arm,) 
For pity's sake, behold Miss Simpkins! 
They do say that she has attended 
these festive occasions for twenty- 
five years. {Shaking her head.) No, 
Bess, I'm not mistaken. Dad took 
her to a church social when he was a 
freshman. She was man-hunting then 
— isn't it pathetic ? — and is still pursu- 
ing her prey. How she acquired that 
fraternity pin is the one problem that 
the college world has never been able 
to solve. {Smilingly.) Well, look who's 
here! {Shakes hands.) Miss Simpkins in 
the duckiest kind of a new gown! Do 
you suppose it would be terribly out 
of place for you to revolve and give me 
the general effect.'^ {Looks critically.) 
Thanks, and I'm going to copy it if 
you don't mind. If I were not the most 

34 



MOLLY RECEIVES 

amiable creature in the world, Miss 
Simpkins, I'd be downright provoked 
with you for coming tonight. Why? 
Because every single college man will 
be dancing attendance upon you. Now, 
just take my advice and — what's that} 
You won't take advice from someone 
you knew in kindergarten.? Miss Simp- 
kins, that makes me feel positively 
hilarious, for if anybody as young as 
you remembers me in kindergarten, I 
can't be so Methuselah-like as I feel! 
For I discovered my first gray hair 
today and I held a little memorial all 
by myself — offered it up on the altar 
of my vanished youth you know, and 
all that sort of thing. Now, what's 
your hurry.? {Knowingly.) Oh, / see — 
that good-looking man over there ! 
Well, I can't offer any attraction so 
great as that, so I'll see you later. 
{Waves hand and turns to Bess.) Now, 
Bess, I know you think I'm a sinner for 
saying all those flattering things, but 
I intend to disagree with you for once 
in my life. For I've come to the con- 
clusion that if you can make people 
feel a wee bit better, at the expense of 

35 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

conscience and even truth, do it! 
Sounds heretical doesn't it? But as to 
conscience, there are times when it's 
wise to do it up in forgetfulness Hke a 
nice Httle pearl all swathed in cotton. 
{Tragically.) Mercy on us! What 
dream of prehistoric ages approaches? 
Give me a tip, Bess, quick — {leans to 
listen.) Oh, the noted lecturer — of — 
what ? Rom — Rom — oh yes, I have it 
— {with relieved expression.) Romance 
Languages. {To herself.) It will cer- 
tainly be a good stunt to open fire with 
some French. {Shaking hands and smil- 
ing archly.) Le nouveau lecteur? Bon 
soir, j'ai beaucoup de plaisir de vous 
rencontrer et je serai une interessee 
auditeur a — {turning suddenly.) What 
is the matter with him, Bess? His 
speed resembles that of a sky rocket. 
Is my French as bad as all that, and — 
{puzzled and then horrified look comes 
on her j ace ^ What? Roman Antiquities 
instead of Romance Languages? I 
caught just the first syllable and my 
vivid imagination did the rest. No 
wonder he glared at my frivolous self! 
{Fanning herself.) Fan me with one of 

36 



MOLLY RECEIVES 

the bricks he's so fond of deciphering! 
{Glances down line.) Life brightens, 
interest revives, for look coming down 
the hne — that adorable freshman ! 
Have we all our dates with her? 
{Graciously extends both hands.) Miss 
Vernon, Fm certainly glad to see you. 
{Nods to escort.) And Mr. Haven, too. 
Such a will-o'-the-wisp maiden as you 
are; we can't even put our collective 
finger upon you. Now remember you 
have lunch dates with us for Tues- 
day, Thursday and Friday, and chapel 
dates for Monday and Wednesday. 
And will you save the afternoons of the 
ninth, eighteenth and twenty-fifth for 
us, and the evenings of the thirteenth 
and twentieth } That's good of you and 
{confidentially), you do like us a little 
bit, don't you.? Someway Fve an in- 
tuitive feeling that — stop nudging me 
Bess — I won't break Pan - Hellenic 
rules. {Whispering.) Will you let me 
talk to you later on.? Thanks again. 
Come to see us at the sorority house, 
Mr. Haven. The latch-string is always 
on the outside, for you; and do bring 
Miss Vernon along with you. 

37 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

(To Bess,) Being at the novissimum 
agmen as old Caesar used to say — is 
my Latin correct and proper, Bess? — 
isn't the snap I pictured it. The glad- 
hand and the smile-without-words stunt 
won't do; everybody expects a speech 
all to himself. (Suddenly.) Who's our 
good-looking friend? A freshman I'd 
say if it were not for that perfectly 
immaculate dress suit. New student, 
anyway, so I'll extend the right hand 
of fellowship and throw in a few help- 
ful suggestions just for good measure. 
(Brightly.) Mr. Ellis? Charmed, I'm 
sure, and so glad to welcome you to 
the college life. Everything may seem 
new to you now, but you'll soon get ac- 
customed to our wild and strange ways. 
Now don't worry a minute about your 
schedule. If it doesn't work at first, 
it's no sign that it zvont. Don't make the 
mistake of staying out of college activi- 
ties; it's so much better to be a part 
of it all; and above all, don't let the 
faculty frighten you. Now — let me 
see — I want to introduce you to some- 
one really worth while, so that you'll feel 
at home. You've already met just 

38 



MOLLY RECEIVES 

that person ? Who is it, if I may ask. 
Oh, do you mean me ? How perfectly 
dear of you to say so. It was prettily 
said for a freshman, and — What? 
{Blankly.) I — I — don't think I under- 
stand; I — You're one of the new pro- 
fessors? I beg your pardon for what 
I said — I do — I do. No, I don't either, 
for it's maddening and it's deceiving 
for you to look so young when you 
doubtless have the whole alphabet of 
degrees after your name. Don't you 
dare laugh at me, when I am fairly 
prostrated by my failure as a social 
entertainer. When will my bondage 
be over? Pretty soon, if measured by 
my success. Will I meet you after- 
wards? With the greatest pleasure. 
And where ? Oh let's say by the punch 
bowl ; that sounds convivial and com- 
panionable; and I shall be that anxious 
to drown my sorrow in the flowing cup ! 
Till later, then! 

{To Bess, enthusiastically.) Bess, is 
there such a thing as tactless idiocy? 
If so, I've got it. Think of calling 
that perfectly good Beta (yes he is a 
Beta for I saw his pin) a freshman. A 

39 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

Beta and a professor to boot — woe is 
me! And yet, percha^nce it was my 
lucky move, for the man's not slow, 
verily not, and I see possibilities, Bess 
{dreamily), I see possibilities. Yes 
my dear, Fm perfectly aware that Mr. 
Horton, my erstwhile flame, is ap- 
proaching and with him the combi- 
nation of conceit and cockiness that 
thinks she's captured him. No, it 
isn't sour grapes, not a bit of it, for 
anybody who knows the A B C of 
retaining a man's devotion can hold 
Harry Horton. {Disgustedly.) And 
if she isn't wearing his frat pin! 
Straighten up, Molly, and play ball, 
even if you're forced to slug! 
{Effusively.) Why, Harry Horton, what 
fun to see you! It makes me think of 
the reception last year when I rolled 
up in a taxicab, carried an armful of 
American Beauties and thrilled over 
five pounds of candy on the way home 
— all due to you, too, you lavish 
creature. {Reaching out her hand.) 
Doesn't he know how to treat a girl, 
Miss Sargent.? Oh-h-h! You're dis- 
playing a very familiar pin. Congratu- 

40 



MOLLY RECEIVES 

lations and shake again. {Extends 
hand again,) I enjoyed wearing it so 
much last year, and I know just how 
proud you feel. Goodbye and so happy 
to have seen you. 

{Turning to Bess.) Bess, stop looking 
at me in that reproachful way. I know 
it wasn't nice but it was — oh such a 
relief! Don't you know that the best 
woman in the world has a bit of catti- 
ness about her? Well, I'm not the 
best woman, not by a long shot, and 
I won't mind it a bit if you stroke 
my fur and say **Pussy! Pussy!" 
{Nervously.) Do my eyes deceive me? 
Isn't that Fanny Fenton wearing a 
Beta Sig pledge pin, after telling us 
last spring when we bid her that she 
couldn't and wouldn't decide upon any- 
thing until Christmas! {Scornfully.) 
Christmas indeed, and this is Septem- 
ber. No Bess, I won't be calm; my 
vial of wrath isn't quite empty. Oh, 
I won't tear off that cascade of puffs — 
I'm not so primitive as that; but 
I'll show her that — {gayly.) Oh Miss 
Fenton, Merry Christmas! Merry 
Christmas, I say, even if the calendar 

41 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

doesn't, and I don't believe you refer 
to your calendar very often. Now 
don't pretend you don't understand — 
it's such a mistake to underestimate 
one's intelligence — and if you think 
right hard I'm sure you'll realize the 
significance of my salutation. You 
know, Miss Fenton, that no geometrical 
problem is quite as it should be until 
Q. E. D. is written after it. Geometry 
is a prep study of course, but even in 
college we use those three letters after 
certain — transactions we'll say. Too 
bad you're not given the opportunity 
of writing it under you're own par- 
ticular problem but I suspect that 
the failure of your proposition is due 
to the fact that the base of your 
structure isn't quite straight. Merry 
Christmas again! 

{To Bess.) Now Bess, what could be 
more artistic than that? My sweetest 
smile, my suavest manner and yet my 
most wholesome discipline. 1 never 
did want that girl anyway. Oh dear, 
my feet are just killing me! I didn't 
tell you at first but now I will. I 
couldn't find my own slippers and 

42 



MOLLY RECEIVES 

borrowed Jane's, and - here comes 
my own |)articular man. I never was 
so glad to see anybody. (Extendtfig 
both hands,) Jack, do you know what 
they call a reinforcement that arrives 
just when the besieged party is almost 
at the end of it's strength, has ex- 
hausted it's ammunition and is wholly 
overwhelmed by the attacks of the 
enemy? Well, no matter what the 
technical name may be, you're it! 
Come on! {Limps off.) 



43 



THE JOYS OF RUSHING 

Characters: 

Chairman of the Rushing Com- 
mittee. 

The Sorority Girls. 

Scene: The Sorority House. 
The Chairman: Speaks, 

{Sinking into a chair.) Will some- 
body get me a glass of water and a 
fan ? {Reaches out her hand.) Thanks. 
IVe been with that Mary Gibson all 
afternoon and it's like conversing with 
the Sphinx. If she likes us, she wouldn't 
show it for the world ; if she doesn't like 
us, she won't tell us until the bids are 
out. The time I've devoted to her has 
cost me about ten dollars in cold, hard 
cash, a week's flunking and an un- 
limited amount of strength and energy. 

( Turns.) Where are you going. Belle t 
To play tennis .f^ Not much. I've asked 
Miss Gibson to drop in for afternoon 
tea and she's due shortly. {Emphatic- 
ally.) Now you needn't say a word. 

45 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

The Delta Chi's have her tonight and 
we simply cannot waste a bit of time. 
Engagement ? Well you shouldn't make 
an engagement during rushing season 
unless it's with a freshman. Anyway, 
one's sorority interests should come 
first. Yes, I know you're sick of look- 
ing at her ; who isn't ? But it's up to us 
to play the game to the end. Now be 
reasonable, for you need prepare 
nothing but tea, sandwiches and cakes. 
( Turns,) No cakes ? Then hustle right 
off to the store, Lucia. Go up a side 
street — for you're pretty apt to meet 
her on the avenue and I wouldn't for 
the world have her think that we don't 
run things according to schedule. 
{Shakes her head.) No, nothing else; 
run. Now Jean, move the rug over that 
dusty place — ^we haven't time to clean — 
and whatever happens, don't let her sit 
on that wobbly sofa. It's liable to break 
any minute, and I've heard of girls 
going the other way on account of just 
such accidents. What's that, Beth.? 
Mayonnaise for five sandwiches only.f^ 
Well make those five and finish out 
with cheese. No cheese either ^. Well, 

46 



THE JOYS OF RUSHING 

use library paste on the others and be 
sure to give them to our girls; you'd 
better put them underneath so she 
won't be likely to take one. Frances, 
set some flowers under that picture of 
the founders; it makes a hit and we're 
strong for hits. Well, hunt some flow- 
ers. Here take the daisies off my hat. 
At a distance, she'll never know they 
are artificial. Good gracious, here she 
comes. Watch out for Lucia some of 
you and head her toward the kitchen 
with those cakes. (Advances.) Oh, 
Miss Gibson, so glad to see you — so 
very glad — {extends both hands), and 
you don't know how much we appreci- 
ate your dropping in informally. No, 
not the sofa my dear, this big chair we 
keep for honored guests, and you 
surely head that list. There, and just 
as soon as you're rested, we'll give you 
some tea. We always prepare for 
afternoon tea; such a cozy sort of 
custom, don't you think? and it's be- 
come a habit with us to keep cakes 
and sandwiches for these daily func- 
tions. (Hands her the tea,) Here's 
your tea, and I don't believe you need 

47 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

any sugar — you're sweet enough. In- 
deed, I do mean it, too, for it isn't 
often that I take such a fancy to a 
freshman as I have to you. {Hands 
sandwiches.) Sandwiches.? {Hastily,) 
Oh don't take that one down there — 
dont. How perfectly silly of me, but 
you see / made this mayonnaise and 
I'm so anxious to have your opinion 
that I'm correspondingly vehement. 
{Turns.) There's Lucia, straight from 
the kitchen with a plate of cakes that 
have been waiting all day just for you 
to sample. Oh, the flowers.? We 
put them under the picture of our 
founders each day, as an offering, don't 
you know, to these grand women who 
made our sorority possible for us. Oh 
must you go — really ? Why you haven't 
been here ten minutes and we did 
want you to hear our songs. What's 
that ? Oh-h with Theta Sigma at five ? 
Well you've just about time to make 
it, you popular thing ! Shall we see you 
again ? Please do, for you can't come 
too often as far as we are concerned. 
If we had oz^rway we wouldn't let you 
go at all. Goodbye, and remember, 

48 



THE JOYS OF RUSHING 

you're to go to chapel with me to- 
morrow! (Turns) Look here girls — 
we've slipped a cog. I someway feel 
that she drew a paste sandwich — and 
as to those cakes — they were made for 
Washington's inauguration! Oh well 
— it's all in a life time ! Depart to your 
tennis, Belle; and go on any place, all 
the rest of you! If you can get any 
pleasure out of life, hang on to it like 
grim death! As for me I'm going to 
bed, and to sleep, even if I dream of 
Mary Gibson! 



49 



CONCERNING EXAMS 

Characters: 
An Upper Classman. 
Three Studious Freshmen. 

Scene: A room in the dormitory , 

Upperclassman: Speaks, knocking 
at door. 

Hi, you freshmen! Do you mind 
if I come in? {Opens door and enters,) 
Studying, aren't you? Just as I sus- 
pected, and fairly paralyzed over the 
prospect of these midyear exams! I 
feel it my duty to cheer you up and 
to show you the futility of cramming 
at the eleventh hour. {Seats herself.) 
What's that, Lucy? Oh, an algebra. 
Dear child you might as well put it 
away right now, for if you could say 
each theorem backward and knew how 
to work every problem in the book, it 
wouldn't help you a bit. For every- 
body knows that the class is too large 
for the professor to examine all the 
papers. Why he merely glances at 

51 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

one example on each page ; if it's right, 
you pass; if it's wrong, you flunk. So 
you see, any amount of studying 
doesn't help; it's just luck. Not fair? 
Maybe not, but it would never do to 
mention it; the faculty is so set in 
it's way! 

Latin, Marie? And you're foolish 
enough to review all that Livy? You'd 
better be practicing on dactylic hexam- 
eter. Why? Because his favorite 
stunt is to pick out a certain chapter 
(usually one that you've read at sight) 
and ask you to translate it in the form 
of dactylic hexameter. Livy is a bit 
prosaic at best, and it certainly does 
take ingenuity to twist it into poetry. 
Still, there's no use worrying about it. 

What have you been doing in 
English, Ruth? Oh, the American 
authors. That's not so bad, if she 
doesn't request you to quote an entire 
essay from memory. That's some- 
thing that you really can't make up on 
the spur of the moment and I've known 
half of the freshman class to flunk just 
on account of that very question. 

What's that, Lucy? You think you 

52 



CONCERNING EXAMS 

are sure of getting through in Bible? 
Well, of course, you may think it is 
easy to trace the genealogy and to 
give the age of all the patriarchs, but 
I dont. Not a practical question? 
Of course it isn't. Who, but an un- 
sophisticated freshman would expect 
a practical question in examinations! 

What's that? Nine o'clock? (Rises) 
I must be moving on! Is that a 
psychology, Marie ? Of course I don't 
know, but I hardly think you'll be 
given a single question from the text 
book. The "psych" professor fairly dotes 
on what he calls abstract interrogations 
— and sometimes it's so confusing that 
you really forget the particular subject 
upon which you're being examined. 
Are you good at mind-reading? Well, 
I don't want to discourage you but 
he's very apt to ask you to write his 
own inner thoughts. If you happen 
to strike it right, he won't like it; if 
you don't tell the truth, of course he 
flunks you. So what is one to do? 

I shouldn't have interrupted you I 
suppose, but I knew you would be 
worrying about exams and I felt that 

53 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

I ought to cheer you up a bit. If I 
were you, I'd put away all these books 
and have a fudge party; for one thing 
is certain, some of you are obliged to 
get through for it's up to the college to 
produce a sophomore class. Good- 
night ! 



54 



THE FRESHMAN SPEAKS 
EXTEMPORANEOUSLY 

Characters: 
Two Freshmen. 

Scene: A room in the college building. 

One Freshman: Speaks^ seated, 

Laura, rm paralyzed with fright; 
my teeth are chattering hke castanets 
and my knees are shaking until I know 
I can never stand upon them. Don't 
be silly, you know perfectly well what 
I mean. What's the matter? Why, 
Katherine has been called away and 
has made me take her place in the 
debate. She didn't tell me till just 
now, and I don't know what to say. 
{Pause,) Why, I couldn't help myself; 
as a pledge to Kappa Psi I've got to do 
what the upperclassmen tell me, and 
Katherine says I must learn to speak 
extemporaneously. {Miserably.) Oh, I 
wish I were dead, I do, I do! I'm 
afraid to leave, I've done my best to 
faint and — {starting,) Are they calling 

55 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

my name ? Pray for me, Laura. {She 
rises, advances and clears her throat.) 
Madam President, ladies and gentle- 
men — oh I beg your pardon, there 
aren't any gentlemen present. {Giggles 
nervously,) It is with great pleasure 
that I rise to speak upon one of the 
most stupendous questions of the day: 
Is the intellect of woman superior to 
that of man ? How can we hesitate in 
the consideration of such a problem? 
Is not it's solution easily obtained? 
{Oratorically.) On one hand we have 
man — weak, puerile man. What has 
man done to claim our slightest ap- 
preciation and gratitude? On the 
other hand — woman; woman who has 
climbed from the lowest social position 
to the highest pinnacle of — {hesitates) 
— well, to the highest pinnacle. Com- 
pared with such prowess, we can but 
see that man is — {gropes for words) — is 
— {desperately) — not in it! Oh my 
friends, can we stand idly by when the 
burning issue of such a question is at 
stake? No; I beg of you, rouse your- 
selves! March side by side to — to — 
{hesitates) — ^well, march side by side. 

56 



THE FRESHMAN SPEAKS 

{Impressively,) Is the intellect of 
woman superior to that of man ? No, 
I say, no! A thousand times, no\ 
{Perceiving her mistake,) Oh, I mean 
yes — yes — a thousand times, yes! 



57 



FIVE MINUTES BEFORE 
THE BELL 

Characters: 

A Nerve-racked Student. 
The Class. 

Scene: The class-room, 

A Nerve-racked Student: Speaks , 
seated, 

S-st ! Nell ! Let me see your watch. 
{Peers anxiously.) Five minutes more! 
Heavens! I don't see how I'll have 
the nerve to live through it! For 
thirty-five minutes I've sat here, a 
quaking mass of humanity, momen- 
tarily expecting him to hurl some 
question at me. My constitution is 
shattered; I know I shall never be 
myself again, and to think that my 
physical prostration should be due to 
an overwhelming ignorance of this 
indigestible pedagogical stuff. Don't 
look at me in that tone of voice, Nell ; 
from a moral standpoint, I should have 

59 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

studied, I admit it, but what sane 
person would hesitate between a forty 
page discussion upon The Transition 
Stage of Moral Development, and a 
dance at the Country Club! Not I! 
{Pauses, assumes an interested expres- 
sion, and nods her head decidedly.) 
Didst note my rapt expression, the 
glance of keen intelligence, the attitude 
of thorough understanding? I scintil- 
late in this fashion only when my 
sixth sense tells me that a question of 
which I haven't the slightest knowledge 
is about to be propounded. You heard 
our beloved instructor ask for illus- 
trations of the instinctive basis of 
various emotions, didn't you ? He had 
his eagle eye upon me and it behooved 
me to play my trump card. I allowed 
my being to o'erflow with the deluge of 
inner comprehension; I beamed illus- 
trations; they oozed from my very 
finger-tips; in the presence of such 
enlightenment, why should he question 
me who knew? Were it not better to 
draw out the thoughts of one not 
so enwrapped in the illumination of 
revelation? Accordingly, he passed 

60 



FIVE MINUTES BEFORE 

me by ; which goes to prove my favorite 
theory that, given the abihty to grasp 
the psychological moment, a woman 
may so sway the indecision of man that 
he is as clay in the hands of the potter! 
What time, is it, Nell? {Looks at 
watch.) Three more minutes? {Yawns,) 
My, but I'm sleepy! {Looks around.) 
Oh, Nell, quick, behold the theological 
specimen on the back seat. My modest 
yawn has inspired him to perpetrate 
one of mammoth proportions. Good- 
ness! I can see way down his esophagus 
and can even detect parts of his 
alimentary canal. Physiology made 
easy, we might call the exhibition. 
Same principle you know as German 
thoroughly mastered in ten lessons. 
{Nudges her neighbor.) Listen, Nell, to 
that wonder of the century over there. 
Did you hear her apologize for out- 
lining only four volumes of reference? 
Four volumes of reference, and for 
unhappy me, the mere text book is an 
undiscovered land. Well, I never 
aspired to the Columbus stunt anyway, 
so it is a tribute to my sweet and 
unassuming manner that I am content 

61 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

with the crumbs of knowledge, while 
others gorge themselves upon the ful- 
ness of the feast. Isn't that last phrase 
charmingly alliterative ? 

Nell, let me see your watch again. 
{Looks closely.) Only a minute and a 
half and the gods are with us! Surely 
he won't call on me now. (Sighs 
deeply,) I may as well take a long 
breath and relax. I presume each one 
of us has her marvelous escapes to re- 
late, but never before have I been so 
near the verge of flunking. This rescue 
today, miraculous as it seems, has — 
(starts nervously,) I beg your pardon, 
professor ! Would you state the question 
again? (Pauses, then repeats slowly,) 
Has the search for scientific facts been 
carried on in order that they may be 
directly applied in practical life, or 
merely that the truth may be known .^^ 
Dear me, what an inexhaustive sub- 
ject. It admits of many arguments, 
doesn't it? (Thoughtfully,) Now let me 
see; in regard to the first part of the 
query, I would say that authors have 
differed in their views; and certainly 
the second part has aroused antagon- 

62 



FIVE MINUTES BEFORE 

istic opinions. Why — there's the bell ! 
I had no idea that the hour was so 
nearly over! May I finish this dis- 
cussion tomorrow, professor? IVe had 
no chance to give my own views. 
(Rises.) Oh thank you, so much! 

(Feebly.) Nell, assist my trembling 
frame from the edge of the precipice. 
Never again will I go so near it! 
Henceforth, I bow to no shrine, save 
that of — study! 



63 



AFTER TEN YEARS 

Characters: 
Two Alumni. 

Scene : The college campus. 
One Alumnus: Speaks, 

Come along, Bob, sneak away with 
me into the shadows of obHvion; calmly 
efface yourself and forget that ten years 
ago you were a mighty lord of this 
campus and a howling part of the great- 
ness thereof! As an alumnus of this 
growing institution, you may think 
you are entitled to some recognition, 
but forget it! You are become but a 
part of the landscape and to the 
younger generation there is no choice 
'twixt you and an Egyptian mummy, 
save that the mummy is more interest- 
ing. Your dancing is antiquated; 
your college vernacular is of an early 
vintage; your slang bears the ear- 
marks of "used to was''; your campus 
antics are on the bum; why in another 
year you'll be sitting in the grand- 

65 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

father corner, feebly swapping stories, 
weakly joking the verdant freshman, 
and prefacing all your remarks with 
"Now in my day — ." 

Here, give me a light. Bob. Til 
smoke the pipe of peace and ruminate 
upon these new rushing rules. Haven't 
heard them? Man alive, then you 
steer clear of that frat house or you'll 
get so tangled up in your efforts to 
readjust the past to the present that 
rescue will be nigh on to impossible. 
Rushing is to be simplified Fm told; 
we may courteously greet the victim 
as he passes on the campus; we may 
tender him a pink tea, with repre- 
sentatives from all the other frats look- 
ing on so that no outrage can be perpe- 
trated ; we may have him once to dinner 
if we skilfully avoid any topic that 
savors of a Greek letter; and, after he's 
been duly swallowed and digested, we 
may present him a dignified written 
bid, served on a silver salver, tied with 
the chosen colors and stamped with 
the seal of faculty approbation. Bah, 
what a contrast to the good old days 
when we pounced upon the innocent 

66 



AFTER TEN YEARS 

and unsuspecting freshman, locked 
him up, convinced him of the hopeless- 
ness of life should he cast his lot with 
the wrong bunch, and then pledged 
him! While we initiated him in a way 
that stamped the Spanish Inquisition 
as a far-off blessing! No molly coddle 
stunts for us; no probation stage of 
fishing in a pail of water before the 
chapel steps; nothing so easy as pro- 
posing publicly to a coed; no frivolous 
humiliation of appearing in one tan 
shoe and one black one! Nay, nay, 
nothing like that in our family! We 
skinned him and ate him alive, and if 
there happened to be enough of him 
left to appear in chapel next day, we 
regarded it as a chapter disgrace. 

And they're regulating the college; 
did you know that? Regulating the 
college in a way that will make the 
cause of education a delusion and a 
snare. Anyone would think that people 
came to this place for the little bit of 
knowledge packed in between book 
covers! Regulating the college! Bob, 
do you realize that there hasn't been 
a single riot since the new rules went 

67 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

in? That the college property has 
remained intact ? That Prof. Russell's 
cow is dragging out a serene and event- 
less existence? That — oh hang it all! 
Are the times all wrong, or — I speak 
it softly — is civilization advancing? 
For — I confess it only to you, old sport 
— the pranks and diversions of ten 
years ago are viewed from another 
standpoint. At present, Fd think twice 
before attaching a beer sign to the 
theological school; I might even hesi- 
tate about removing the pews from the 
chapel; maybe Fd balk at setting fire 
to one of the buildings; who knows? 
Conscience doth make cowards of us 
all, and someday I may even repent 
the error of my ways. I preach. Bob ; 
I moralize; it's the beginning of the 
end ! I glide hopelessly into the realm 
of antiquity, where as an alumnus I 
serve only to point a moral or adorn 
a tale! 



68 



AT THE GLEE CLUB 
CONCERT 

Characters : 
A College Girl. 
Her Escort. 

Scene: A concert room. 
She : Speaks. 

Oh, which are our seats? The end 
ones? Fine, and way down in front. 
{Seats herself.) Brother Dick says that 
at a Glee Club Concert he always seeks 
the back row, on the principle that 
distance lends enchantment, but not 
for me ! I like to be near enough to see 
them work their mouths. Great ad- 
vantage to be on the Glee Club, isn't 
it, and a great source of pleasure to 
those concerned. Oh — how's that? 
Yes, I suppose it does help to revel in 
the harmony of sweet sounds as you 
put it, but I wasn't thinking of that. 
What appeals to me is the festivity 
attendant upon the concert tour; the 

69 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

dinners, the parties and the wholesale 
fun. {Suddenly.) Oh look, there's Kate 
Harvey and her fiance; what sort of a 
man is he? Square and upright you 
say? Oh I'm sure I wouldn't like 
him, he sounds too much like a piano. 
{Lowering her voice.) Did you ever see 
such a head as on that woman in the 
front row ? ^'Sunning o'er with curls !" 
You put it rather poetically I think; 
''bubbling o'er with puffs," I'd say, 
and they're artificial ones at that! 
{Leaning forward and bowing.) Oh, 
good evening, Ruth; good evening Mr. 
Morehouse. {Turning to her escort.) 
Isn't it great to be right on the end 
where people are in hailing distance? 
Look at that dress of hers — solid 
Valenciennes they say. Oh-h! Did 
you see that awkward man put his 
foot right on the train ? I know that it 
tore, and I would also wager my best 
hat that I could repeat what she's 
saying. Just this: "It doesn't make the 
least difference," and smiling sweetly 
all the time while inside of her there's 
a miniature Vesuvius of wrath at work. 
Truly convention doth make angels of 

70 



AT THE GLEE CLUB 

us all! (Opening her program,) Well, 
suppose we look at the program — dear 
me, what's going to happen ! ''Rocked 
in the Cradle of the Deep'' is not listed; 
it seems almost a sacrilege. This 
selection used always to open the enter- 
tainment but it proved such a soothing 
influence that the audience became 
sleepy and the management thought 
it best to shift it to the last as a sort of 
preparation for the nightly rest. What 
is the last number? Oh, ''Speed Away." 
Well that's timely and appropriate too. 
This third song is very plaintive, 
heart-rendering in fact. Once upon 
a time I heard the quartette give 
it and everybody was suffused with 
tears; you could scarcely hear the 
melody for the sniffing. Seeing other 
people weep always makes me go to 
pieces and I was just about to 
collapse when I spied Tom Perkins' 
vest fastened two buttons too high, 
and I became hysterical. A dear, old 
lady near by tried to soothe me but 
the more I gazed at Tom's tipsy vest 
alongside of Tom's exalted and beatific 
countenance the worse I grew! {Sud- 

71 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

denly.) Oh, "The Stein Song!" I'm glad 
of that; the *'good fellows get together" 
line always sends me into the seventh 
heaven. Nobody but a college man 
can sing that song and do perfect 
justice to it. Good gracious! Here's 
a selection in German, with Fred 
Hunter in the solo part; the fact that 
he flunked in German for two successive 
years makes his prominence suggestive 
and significant: and also shows how 
easy it is to circumvent the faculty. 
(Enthusiastically,) Oh here they come! 
Let's give them a good send-off. Why 
can't we yell, I wonder! If it were 
the foot ball team we'd never think of 
anything so tame as mere clapping of 
hands. But, I presume, in the regular 
scheme of things the tribute to muscle 
must necessarily differ from that to 
vocal chords. Don't they look nice — 
all of them! And aren't they a credit 
to the college ! I always think of what 
old Prexy tells them: ^'Remember that 
you stand for all that is best in our 
University;" and I believe that they 
do! 



72 



ON THE SIDE LINES 

Characters: 
A Quarterback. 
His Companion. 

Scene: Side lines at a football game. 
The Quarterback: Speaks, 

Six minutes to play — a tie — and I'm 
out of the game! Heavens, man, do 
you realize what youVe done; do you 
know that you've dragged me from 
that heaving, seething mass, just when 
they've needed me, needed me? Hurt? 
What if I am, do you think I haven't 
the nerve, the grit to play it out ? Why 
it's my last game — my last game — 
can't you understand ? Do you know 
what it is to hope, to dream, to work 
for a thing, and then to have it taken 
from you? In his last game a man 
doesn't stop to think of strained liga- 
ments, or of broken bones. He's only 
a fierce, panting bit of his college — 
fighting for her glory — willing to lay 
down his very life if he brings the 

73 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

victory! {Eagerly,) Look, they're 
forming again. Somebody else is at 
quarter, giving my signals, my signals; 
and Fm out of it, powerless to raise a 
finger, with every muscle of me 
aching to be in the midst, to break 
through the line. Oh don't pity me 
— a football man who has been knocked 
out can stand anything but that. {He 
pauses,) They're too still — something's 
wrong — heavens can't they see, can't 
they know where we're weak! Don't 
tell me we've lost the ball ! {Hides face,) 
I, someway, can't stand it, and I'm 
a bit unstrung, perhaps. {Joyfully,) 
We've got it again, you say } Then hold 
on like grim death you fellows ! Steady 
now, steady! {Counts.) 8-3-1 6-11 — oh 
if I were only there — if I could only be 
a part of it! Pretty work, Duke, 
pretty work. Good! {Eagerly,) hook ^.t 
him, look at him — twenty yards! That's 
the stuff, old man ! Watch out now for 
that tackle — too low — missed, didn't 
it.? Ah-h-! He's over the line, he's 
over the — {turning). Yell man, yell — 
yell as you've never yelled before! 
{Tensely,) Ah, we've got to kick goal — 

74 



ON THE SIDE LINES 

we've got to — (looks away). If we 
should miss — It's over, you say ? Then 
— here, help me up, will you ? I've got 
to have a hand in this; I've got to split 
my lungs with the rest of them ! Exert 
myself? Gosh, man, don't you realize 
that it's my college, my team — and that 
we've won — ^we've won? 



75 



AT SUNSET 

Characters: 
Two Seniors. 

Scene: On the campus. 
One Senior: Speaks. 

Wait, Marge, just a moment, and 
watch the sunset with me for the last 
time. Tomorrow we'll be scattered 
to the four winds and only the memory 
— the memory — will be with us. Oh, 
Fm not trying to make the parting 
hard — Vm not — I only want to hold 
fast the few moments that are left us; 
I only want to drink in the beauty of 
it all ere it fades away and leaves in 
the paler tints but an afterglow of 
former splendor. For it's Commence- 
ment eve, and tomorrow we say 
goodbye. Four years have the two of 
us marched side by side, term in and 
term out, under the bonny banner of 
our college; together, we've shared the 
disappointments, the trials; together, 
we've been glad in the honors and the 

77 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

joys that have come our way. And 
now — {pointing) oh see the old college 
as it stands revealed in that rosy glow, 
every corner, every angle clear against 
the brilliant background! How much 
it has meant to us; how much it has 
given us. Why, weVe had only to 
stretch forth our hands to grasp all we 
could hold of its treasures. The wisdom 
of the ages, ours for the asking; the 
inspiration of life, if we would only 
receive ! Many a lesson have we learned 
between the covers of our textbooks; 
many a harder problem awaits us in 
the larger school to which we're going; 
but the college spirit is with us, the 
college love that has mothered us for 
four happy years will arm us for the 
greater tests, will nerve us to our finest, 
truest efforts. It's hard to leave, and 
yet — why Marge, there's a queer little 
catch in my voice and a lump in my 
throat — and — 

{She points,) Look at the sorority 
house. Has it ever seemed fairer, has 
it ever been dearer than in this last 
moment? Ah, Marge, even in this 
little college world — quiet, secluded, 

78 



AT SUNSET 

restricted — we have known our dis- 
illusionments, we have felt the bitter- 
ness of disappointment, we have born 
the sting of unjust criticism; yet the 
sorority Hfe has helped us to rise above 
it all; has more than overbalanced all 
the sacrifice and grief that may have 
been ours; has been the sweetest, 
truest influence of our college life. 
Other girls will take our places in the 
class rooms; other girls will know the 
glad, carefree life of the campus; but 
in that little brown house over yonder, 
there will always be a welcome for us; 
in that ever widening circle about the 
hearth-fire, we shall always find the 
outstretched hand, the whispered word, 
the understanding heart. 

The last sun of our college days has 
set; one by one the stars are shining 
above us. Shall we call one, loyalty, 
and another, labor, and still another, 
love? And see, above them all there 
rises the golden crescent of the moon! 
Our sorority symbol. Marge, a good 
omen; a talisman to carry into the 
great tomorrow! Serenely it beams 

79 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

upon us, and — I cannot see it — it's 
outline is blurred — for — Come, Marge, 
we'll go — together. 



80 



BETWEEN DANCES 

Characters: 

A College Youth. 
His Partner. 

Scene : The stair-steps. 
He: Speaks, seated. 

So you don't believe in fraternities, 
Miss Brown! Good gracious! Now 
who would imagine that anyone so 
absolutely progressive and up to date 
as you could go over to the side of the 
moss-grown, back-a-century indivi- 
duals who declare the secret society to 
be the menace of the age! No, I'm 
not putting it too strongly either; and 
if we didn't agitate our side of the 
question occasionally, our dire deeds 
and revolutionary attributes would 
stand forth in lurid relief against the 
sooty background of crime. Now, you 
let me talk a bit, and if I don't con- 
vince you in a shake that a frat does 
more for a man who has no money, no 
pull, than any other phase of college 

81 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

life ril eat my hat; and it's a perfectly 
good one too! 

In the first place, Miss Brown, people 
are bound to find their own circle of 
friends, aren't they? Why of course, 
you know. If I told you that you'd 
be congenial with every individual fate 
sent your way, you wouldn't like it and 
I wouldn't blame you. You belong to 
the can't-be-surpassed, right-up-to-the- 
limit class you know; and if you and 
your associates happen to distinguish 
yourselves by a few letters from the 
Greek alphabet, what's the harm and 
why should a critical public froth at 
the mouth over it? Oh there are ex- 
ceptions to every rule, of course; but 
you take my word for it, a fraternity 
can get more out of a crude, unde- 
veloped freshman than any number of 
student organizations and Y. M. C. A. 
committees. It's certainly the tonic 
for a bad case of freshman-itis. What's 
that? Why don't we take everybody 
and thus raise the standard of citizen- 
ship? Now don't get sarcastic. Miss 
Brown; for if we did all that we'd be 
missionary societies, and for the sake 

82 



BETWEEN THE DANCES 

of the churches, we don't want to take 
away their privileges. 

Now I shall begin to refute all your 
statements by my own personal experi- 
ence. Don't look bored already, for 
even if I don't give you the impres- 
sion of being big enough to illustrate 
an argument, still I've had some ex- 
perience! When I came to this 
college I was more hopeless than the 
average country boy, and that's going 
some. Hayseed — metaphorically 
speaking — stuck over me in huge 
chunks; garments of antediluvian ten- 
dencies adorned my awkwardness; 
even an extra strong telescope would 
have failed to locate one particle 
of fraternity material. I hid rny 
talents, not under a bushel, but in 
a tiny room up under the eaves. 
I was so busy trying to solve the 
problem of existence that I had no 
time for real living. My lessons were 
neglected, my social career was never 
begun. I had no time, no opportunity 
for friends; and in the midst of this 
hopelessness, Theta Zeta discovered 
me. Not much of a discovery you're 

83 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

thinking; maybe not, but remember 
this is a before-and-after taking picture; 
and now that I have absorbed so much 
of Theta Zeta, I flatter myself that the 
result is not so worse. For didn't they 
transport me from my mansion in the 
eaves to their own fraternity house 
where I earned my board in a far easier 
fashion; didn't the upper classmen 
guide me in every college activity I 
chose to enter; didn't they advise me 
in my lessons, watch me in my politics, 
help me make friends on the campus 
and finally obtain a scholarship for me! 
Oh I can hear all these things about 
fraternities from now to the crack of 
doom, but there will always remain 
this question: Where would I have 
been and how would I have developed 
had not the fraternity opened its doors 
ot me? I leave you to reason out the 
answer. Miss Brown, and — 

What, is that the next dance ? (Rises.) 
And I've spouted like a stump orator 
with never a chance for you to draw a 
long breath. Never mind, I've con- 
vinced you about fraternities, for I 
see it in your eye! 

84 



WAS IT WORTH WHILE? 

Characters: 

A Senior. 

His Companion. 

Scene: A college building. 
The Senior: Speaks, 

Well, we're at the end of it all, old 
fellow, and tomorrow we'll go forth into 
the cold, cold world, armed only with 
diplomas and with absolute confidence 
in ourselves to make good. For you, 
it's been an easy, pleasant journey with 
frivolities and friends 'long the way; 
for me — why should I dissemble — it's 
been a long, hard struggle from the 
very first, with many a disappointment, 
many a sacrifice, many a privation. 
And now we're at the end of it all; and 
as I pause in retrospection, I ask the 
natural question — the question that 
rises involuntarily to the lips of all those 
who have worked as I have worked: 
Has it been worth while ? Wait, Jack, 
you are not fitted to answer it. You 

85 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

have not known what it is to rise when 
the stars are still shining, in order that 
some task may be out of the way before 
class time; you have not sold papers 
for your room rent, waited table for 
your board, washed windows for the 
few extra pennies it brought you; 
tended furnaces to help make ends 
meet. You have not pegged away at 
your studies when muscles ached and 
brain was fagged ; you have not denied 
yourself the little recreations and pas- 
times that should balance the appli- 
cation to books; you have not felt the 
need of friends, the ache for companion- 
ship, the craving for something besides 
the necessary routine. You have not 
known what it is to question the why 
of it all; to resent the fate that ties 
you down; to crave the strength and 
courage that will carry you to the end. 
Oh it's been a fight. Jack; and that is 
why I wonder tonight if Fve made an 
investment that pays; if there is such 
a thing as the law of compensation; if, 
in return for labor, privation and heart- 
ache there has been a corresponding 
and proportionate return of that which 

86 



WAS IT WORTH WHILE? 

is worth while; if the college culture, 
the college education and the college 
degree can be of more value than the 
dollars and cents that might have 
resulted had time, energy and strength 
been directed toward their acquisition. 
Listen, what are they singing down 
there on the campus? It's the college 
hymn. Jack, the college hymn. Some- 
way it grips the heart tonight as it's 
never done before. It's the last time 
we'll sing it together, old man, the 
last time; and — hang it all — what's 
the matter with me! I never knew I 
could feel like this. Jack my ques- 
tion is answered. It is worth while, 
it has paid; and the dear old college 
has given me something that will never 
fail me; that will prove far more 
precious than silver and gold. For the 
struggle has brought out the best in 
me, has made a man of me, and — 
Come, shall we join the bunch ^. 



87 



IN THE GIPSY CAMP 

Characters: 
A College Girl in Gipsy Costume. 
A College Man. 

Scene: The Gipsy Camp, 
She : Chants, walking to and fro. 

Wend your way to the gipsy camp; 
Follow the light of the gipsy lamp; 
Seek the rollicking gipsy band; 
Let a gipsy maiden read your hand. 
Hear the story she will unfold, 
Cross her palm with a piece of gold, 
Learn of your fate that is to be — 
Do it all for sweet charity! 
Drop your coin in the tambourine, 
'Twill be for the college good I ween ! 

Wend your way to the gipsy camp; 

Follow the light of the gipsy lamp ! 
{She turns.) You wish to pierce the 
future? Then be seated — here. {Seats 
herself.) 

I'll turn my rainbow light until it 

shines 
Upon the many twisting, tortuous 

lines 

89 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

That — crisscross — mark your palm. 
( Takes hand of companion and gazes in- 
tently.) 

Ah, now they are quite clear. 

A strange, suspicious hand. Some- 
way, somehow, I feel 

That tragedy and crime are close en- 
twined. 

Since evidence of treachery I find; 

Since dire intrigue and cunning here 
have placed their seal. 
{Aside.) 

Sit still, Tom Raymond, don't you 

go; 
Each future holds its weal and woe. 
So don't you squirm, you silly 

youth. 
If I shall speak some words of truth. 
For I have learned a thing or two 
Of what you are and what you do. 
And since my turn has come about 
This gipsy maid will sure speak out. 
{Looks again at palm.) 
The headline glimmers faint and 

weak and dim; it shows cerebral 

inactivity I fear. {Gazes more 

closely.) 
And physical inertia is here. 

90 



IN THE GIPSY CAMP 

Although a ray of comprehension 
comes and goes, 

And still a gift of trickery can here 
be traced. 

A trickery, perchance, that wins its 
way 

To certain ends, although it may be- 
tray 

A friend. Sit still, kind sir, sit still; 
there is no haste. 

{Aside.) 
Go on, Tom Raymond, frown and 
glower 

And rage and rant; this is my hour. 
You know you idle, cut and shirk 
And cheat and crib in all your work. 
You know you schemed to have a 

say 
In class election; bought your way, 
Betrayed a friend who thought you 

true — 

A moment please! Fm not quite 
through ! 
{Looks again at palm.) 

The line of heart is heavily entrench- 
ed; indeed, 

'Tis overworked in maximum degree 

91 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

With loves that are, and loves that 
are to be. 
Affaires d' amour that claim a worthless 
self as creed. 
No Mount of Jupiter I see, which 

means a want 
Of dignity. The Mount of Mercury 

descries 
A strong, inventive faculty for lies. 
While flattery and flirting branch- 
ing lines do flaunt. 
{Aside.) 
'Tis true, Tom Raymond, you're a 

flirt. 
You've never tried to save a hurt; 
You've made a farce of college life, 
So profit now by my advice. 
Forget yourself; be straight and true. 
Then better things will come to you. 
And when a gipsy reads your hand 
She'll scan your soul — and under- 
stand ! 
{She rises and walks to and fro, chant- 
ing.) 

Wend your way to the gipsy camp; 
Follow the light of the gipsy lamp; 
Seek the rollicking gipsy band; 
Let a gipsy maiden read your hand. 

92 



IN THE GIPSY CAMP 

Hear the story she will unfold, 
Cross her palm with a piece of gold, 
Learn of your fate that is to be — 
Do it all for sweet charity! 
Drop your coin in the tambourine, 
'Twill be for the college good I ween! 

Wend your way to the gipsy camp ; 

Follow the light of the gipsy lamp. 



93 



THE FRESHMAN GIBBERS 

Characters: 
A Sophomore. 
Her Accomplices. 
A Freshman. 

Scene : The Dormitory. 

Sophomore : Speaks, motioning to her 
companions. 

Quiet now, girls. Do be on your 
guard, and don't carry the fun too far! 
{Impressively.) Remember this, what 
we consider freshman discipHne, the 
faculty may call hazing. {Knocks at 
door, then enters room.) All alone Miss 
Brown.? Fortune indeed smiles upon 
us! {Turns.) Advance, Sophomores and 
receive the salute of this newest re- 
cruit to the freshmen ranks. {Pauses.) 
Salute, Miss Brown, salute! {Sternly.) 
A soldier's first duty is obedience. 
That's better. Now be seated, and 
lest the brilliancy of the sophomoric 
constellation utterly dazzle you, we 
shall place this blind upon your eyes. 
{Blindfolds her.) You are upon the 

95 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

eve of a new experience; you are upon 
the threshold of the college world and 
ere you enter its sacred portals, you 
must listen to grave instructions; you 
must vow new vows; you must pass 
under the rod of chastening which 
the faculty entrusts only to the favored 
sophomores. {Solemnly.) Do you 
promise to fulfill your obligations? 
{Pauses.) I don't like your attitude, 
Miss Brown, unless you become docile 
and flexible, my duty compels me to 
lay your insubordination before the 
faculty. Ah, your tone is better. I 
detect even a resolute resonance in 
your monosyllable. {With great dig- 
nity.) As I have said, you are upon 
the threshold of the college world and 
ere you stretch forth your hand for 
the treasures of its storehouse, you 
must make a worthy sacrifice. {Turns 
head.) Fellow-sophomores, you be- 
hold the luscious braids which crown 
the head of the neophyte. Is it not 
fitting that she offer it to the God of 
Knowledge? I see by your expression 
that your thought is in accord with 
mine. {A side ^ hurriedly.) Light the 

96 



THE FRESHMAN GIBBERS 

candle, Nell, and hold the switch so 
that the burned hair falls on her face: 
don't use any more than is necessary, 
for its the only switch I have ! (Resum- 
ing her former tone.) Hold fast the 
victim; even as she laments her former 
crown of beauty, so shall she realize 
the futility of freshman hopes ! {Aside ^ 
hurriedly.) Jess, did you fill that glove 
with salt, and put it on the ice as I 
told you to do? Now is the time to 
hold it out to her! {Resuming her for- 
mer tone?) Clasp the hand of the De- 
parted Spirit! Ah, you shudder, for 
it brings you a silent warning; it comes 
from the Never -Never -Sophomore 
Land; from those freshmen who have 
failed in the tests submitted to them! 
Shake again, the sensation may pre- 
pare you for the iron hand of the 
faculty which is sure to descend upon 
you, when you least suspect it. 

And yet, we are commanded to im- 
pose a few more tasks upon you. First 
{impressively)^ spin like a top. A 
little faster, please — that's better but 
you can improve even upon that. 
Whoa, now! Slower, slower; now, 

97 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

mark time. This little stunt is given, 
not only as a hygienic exercise but as a 
preparation to the study of astronomy. 
Seeing stars is always such a help to 
the ignorant freshman. Next! Stew 
like an oyster. What's that? You 
don't know how? {Turning her head.) 
Fellow-sophomores you hear the con- 
fession that falls from the lips of the 
neophyte. Can you conceive of an 
educational system that fails to impart 
such knowledge? Not to stew like an 
oyster my dear, argues yourself a 
lobster. But suppose you try! {Pause.) 
Originality does mean so much these 
days. Dear me! I'm sure no self- 
respecting oyster would do like that! 
You've failed, that's all, and we must 
lay it up against you. 

But one more labor remains; you 
must gibber like an idiot. Gibber^ I 
s a i d — g ibb er ! G-i-b-b-e-r ! Why 
everybody in college knows how to 
gibber; its a part of the curriculum. 
Suppose you try. {Pause.) That's 
beautifully done; you're a genius at it. 
Why I've never heard anything better, 
really I haven't! {Pauses and speaks 

98 



THE FRESHMAN GIBBERS 

anxiously,) But there's no use in 
overdoing it. We don't mean you to 
take it so seriously, and please stop! 
You've shown that you can do it, and 
— {Shakes her violently.) Stop, I say, 
stop! {Turns in agitation.) Girls, some- 
thing's wrong, decidedly wrong and — 
{Turns again.) Oh come. Miss Brown, 
we're through with our joking and are 
waiting to carry you off to a fudge 
party. Sophs will be Sophs you know 
and — {Turns.) Girls, look at her eyes. 
Did you ever see anything so wild.? 
And, just listen to those incoherent 
little murmurs! Do you suppose that 
— {shudders) why it chokes me to think 
of it — that her mind could have given 
way.? {Turns again.) Listen, Miss 
Brown, listen, won't you stop just for a 
moment .? ( Turns and wrings her hands 
in despair.) Oh those dreadful little 
moans! She's raving, ravings and — 
my teeth are chattering like castanets 
and my knees are knocking together. 
We'll be expelled every one of us, and to 
think that we've wrecked her reason. 
Oh I'll never get over it, never. {Turns 
again.) Don't cry that way, dont! 

99 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

{Turns and motions away her compan- 
ions,) Go away, all of you ! Maybe 
I can bring her 'round — hurry, hurry! 
{Turns again and endeavors to speak in 
a calm voice,) Now look at me, my 
dear, look at me; be calm — perfectly 
calm; steady, now, steady! Don't 
laugh, please don't. (Suddenly,) 
What's that? Can't help it? {With 
suspicion.) Do you mean to say — is it 
possible — that you've been pretending, 
that you've tricked us, that you've 
made us the laughing stock of the 
campus? {Shaking her.) You impud- 
ent little freshman, you deserve to 
have your ears boxed, but I'm so re- 
lieved not to be in line for arrest on 
account of unwarrantable theft of 
reason that I'll forgive you on the spot 
and bear you off to the fudge party. 
{Opens door and calls.) Girls, girls\ 
Wait a minute, for I'm bringing you a 
bright, particular star for the Dramatic 
Club! Come along, you delusion and 
snare, and — oh a plague on all fresh- 
men, say I. 



100 



EVERY LASSIE HAS HER 
LADDIE 

Characters: 
The Chairman of the Entertain- 
ment Committee. 
Her Sorority Members. 

Scene: The sorority house. 
The Chairman: Speaks y seated. 

Now that everything else is out of 
the way, we'll take up the matter of 
this list for the fraternity party. {Raps 
violently.) Order! {Shaking head.) ^o 
I won't recognize any motion to post- 
pone this particular business; you know 
well enough that every man must 
have a girl for this dance, and even if 
you don't care for the crowd, its up 
to you to do the decent thing. If 
I were inclined to be "catty" I'd say 
right now "I told you so," for I knew 
all along that we'd have this rumpus 
when it came to pairing off. You all 
talk mighty eloquently about submerg- 
ing personalities for the good of the 

101 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

sorority and all that; but it's mostly 
talk, and — oh groan away, I don't care. 
I never was in favor of entertaining 
this entire fraternity an3rway; they're 
not our sort, and — {Consulting paper.) 
Here goes! The first name on the list 
is John Smith. Who'll go with him? 
{She pauses and looks anxiously around.) 
Dear me! {Sarcastically.) Each one 
too modest to suggest herself, I pre- 
sume! Honestly, girls, he's a human 
encyclopedia and is writing a per- 
fectly corking thesis on — {hesitates). 
Well — it's corking, an3rway. He really 
does wear good neckties, his nails are 
clean and — {sharply) what if he doesn't 
dance and doesn't talk nonsense by 
the yard! Why I should think any 
one of you would be glad to have a bit 
of real conversation sandwiched in be- 
tween the usual thick layers of campus 
idiocy; and you ought to count it a 
privilege to know a young man with a 
real purpose. {With dignity.) Will 
you repeat your remark, Ruth ? Oh, if 
he's such a paragon why don't I go with 
him myself? {Sweetly.) To be frank 
I'm not that conceited. {Turns.) Car- 

102 



EVERY LASSIE 

Iota is the only one who is intellectually 
capable of conversing with 
him. {Raises her hand,) Not a word 
Carlota, I'm putting your nanie op- 
posite his {writes hastily), and if you 
don't keep him romping through math- 
ematical monstrosities and spilling over 
the Greek alphabet, I've missed my 
guess. 

{Scans her paper.) Dick Jones is 
next; who'll ride in his automobile? 
It's bright and new. {Counts.) Three 
hands raised — what a difference wheels 
do make even if most of them are in the 
head! {Sharply.) Stop squabbling, 
girls! If you can't decide who draws 
the prize, ballot for him! 

{Consults paper.) George Smith! 
Well I must confess that he isn't very 
desirable and I haven't the nerve to 
ask any of you to go with him, for I 
just know that he's had a dark, desper- 
ate and dissipated past, but — {Turns 
quickly.) Do my ears deceive me, 
Mildred, or did I hear you say you'd 
play victim? {Writes.) You are cer- 
tainly a peach to do it and it will be 
a splendid example of antithesis — 

103 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

sunshine and shadow, saint and sinner, 
and all that sort of thing! 

Frank Forest! What's that? 
{Wearily.) Of course he doesn't wear 
the right kind of collars but someway, 
it seems a little extreme to condemn 
a man to utter oblivion just on that 
account. {Suddenly.) Oh, I know 
what to do, we'll make Evelyn go with 
him — a pledge won't have the nerve 
to object, and — {As she writes.) 

Roy Richards is next. {Pause — sue 
lifts her head.) Postively I could cut 
the silence, it's so thick. Do you 
girls realize that some of the greatest 
men in the world have stuttered? 
{Hesitatingly.) Well — I can't just re- 
member who, but it's true just the 
same; I'm sure I've read it somewhere. 
{Pause.) Oh doesn't anybody want 
him.? {Coaxingly.) Amy, do help us 
out; we'll let you off your term dues if 
you will, won't we girls? Of course 
you do attract attention but a good, 
heavy veil will help to conceal your 
identity and it takes him so long to 
reach the point that you won't need to 
talk much. Thanks, Amy. {Writes.) 

104 



EVERY LASSIE 

Harry Hardcastle, next! What's 
that, Lucia ? He isn't a Theta Gamma 
man? Well of course that's unfor- 
tunate, but we can't expect everybody 
to be on our side. It's a parallel case 
to the darkness of heathendom, com- 
pared to the enlightenment of Christian 
nations. And while we're using the 
missionary lingo, I may as well say 
that if anybody can convert this 
particular pagan and make him see 
daylight, it's you^ Lucia! Consider 
yourself singled out for the sacrifice 
{write s)y and — {Raising head.) What 
is it. Amy? May you swap Roy for 
Harry? Ask Lucia, for Harry has 
passed out of my hands, forever, I 
hope. {Suddenly,) Good gracious! 
There's the name of that post-graduate. 
Hall! Impossible, he is; once again 
impossible, and after that, "out of all 
whooping", to quote our friend Rosa- 
lind ; but you've all been so good about 
assuming this social responsibility that 
I'm sure you won't balk even now. 
{Turns,) You've saved him for me? 
I don't understand, nor do I know why 
I should be destined for this honor. 

105 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

It's mean to disappoint you when 
you've planned this Queen-o'-the-May 
stunt for me, but Fm going out of 
town that night for the Beta dance. 
Oh I've had my date for ages and ages, 
so somebody else must look out for 
Brother Hall. (Rises.) Time for my 
car — here, Kathryn (hands paper to 
her), finish the list. (Kisses her hand.) 
Goodbye dear children. So glad to 
have helped you out in your extremity ! 
Have one grand, glorious, rip-roaring 
time at the party and don't hang too 
many scalps to your belts! 'Tis a 
custom of barbarians, and you must 
not forget for a moment that you are 
Greeks ! Goodbye. 



106 



MEMORY'S BOOK 

Characters: 
An Alumna. 
Her Companion. 

Scene : By a tea-tahle. 
The Alumna: Speaks^ seated. 

Is it one lump of sugar, Nell, or 
two-f* It's so very long since you have 
taken tea with me, you Doctor of 
Philosophy, that I'm confusing your 
taste with that of someone else. 
{Hands cup.) Do you realize that 
twelve years ago this very day, we 
signed our names in the registrar's 
book, went boldly forth into an un- 
known land and immediately became 
the center of attraction? We were 
good-looking freshmen — if I do say it 
as shouldn't — and even if we did choose 
different sororities, we have disproved 
the theory that friendship ceases when 
paths diverge. You donned the arrow 
— I chose the crescent — and after more 
than a decade of time, we sit here side 

107 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

by each, placidly smoking the pipe of 
peace — I speak figuratively, my dear — 
when, according to authorities, we 
should be brandishing the tomahawk 
of hostility. {Pauses and leans for- 
ward.) There you are, Nell, tilting 
your cup to see the tea-grounds, just 
as you used to do when we clamored 
for you to tell our fortunes. How 
the standpoint changes; on this par- 
ticular day, Fm not anxious about 
the future for I've learned that it 
shapes itself; but I am longing for 
glimpses of the past. Do you feel 
that way, too, Nell.? {Settles back in 
chair.) Then we might as well con- 
fess that we're getting old — it's a sure 
sign — and soon we'll be greeting each 
other with a tactful **Time has touched 
you lightly." Nay, even in an un- 
guarded moment we may speak of 
each other as ^'remarkably well-pre- 
served." Funny isn't it, but what do 
we care ! Let's forget the handle to your 
name that attests your cleverness; let's 
forget that I have a hundred domestic 
problems and that my cook has just 
given notice; and, together, let us turn 

108 



MEMORY'S BOOK 

the pages of Memory's book. Mem- 
ory's book, by the way Nell, in sub- 
stantial form — a trifle dusty, and dilapi- 
dated but still intact — lies on the 
table back of you. {Points.) What is 
it? Why my junk book of course! I 
found it in the attic this morning and 
in a jiffy I was transported to the Land 
of Used-to-Be. {Pauses.) Never had 
a junk book? Nell, I'm ashamed of 
you; why your college career has been 
like the play of Hamlet, with the ghost 
left out, for every page of this volume 
{reaches for book), bedecked as it is in 
programs, dance cards and ridiculous 
little mementos, liberates its own par- 
ticular ghosts of foolish and tender 
memories. A junk book? Why it's 
the aftermath of college life! 

{Places book on lap and turns pages.) 
Aren't these first pages truly typical of 
a freshman? Crowded, high-colored, 
no system, no arrangement. What is 
this? I don't wonder that you ask. 
Why, they're my pledge ribbons, and 
when extended, each piece measures 
two yards in length and three inches 
in width. You remember how it hap- 

109 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

pened — oh, you do. The girls had 
bidden me before chapel, naturally ex- 
pecting that I would take time for re- 
flection. With the lack of convention 
that checkered my college career, I 
accepted before my bidders were half 
through their invitation, scorned all 
discretion and insisted that the ribbons 
be pinned upon me at once. There 
was nothing at hand save this huge 
bow whose use was primarily, for 
decoration; but I had my way, and as a 
result, nearly queered the chapel serv- 
ice. {Turns page.) Yes, it is a giddy 
necktie; it belonged to Charlie Clinton, 
my freshman swain — you remember 
him. He was fairly consumed with a 
desire to distinguish himself in my eyes, 
so he climbed a pole one dark night and 
planted the freshman banner at the 
top. The deed was noteworthy, but 
the end was disastrous, for he fell into 
the arms of some waiting sophs; after 
they had gathered up the fragments 
and had pieced together enough of 
him to last through the year, the exec- 
utor of the estate sent me this neck- 
tie as a remnant of the occasion. I 

110 



MEMORY'S BOOK 

met Charlie the other day, quite 
portly, now, with a suspicion of gray 
about the temples, and we laughed 
about old days. When his son 
reaches the dignity of college, he is to 
be sent to me before he matriculates 
as a freshman, and I am to adorn him 
with this self-same necktie. With this 
as a talisman and as an incentive, if 
he doesn't lick every soph within hail- 
ing distance and tie his flag to Pike's 
Peak, he hasn't inherited the fighting 
blood of his dad! (Turns page.) 

Positively, the souvenirs ot the soph- 
omore year are as varied as those of the 
freshman period ; but, atter all, there is 
little difference between the two classes. 
Did you ever see such a display of 
dance programs i Against such a back- 
ground, the few articles of definite 
form assume the prominence of a zero 
upon a perfectly good white quiz paper. 
Don't break that splinter, Nell, it's 
from the mammoth pile that we set on 
fire at the rally held before the big foot- 
ball game; the game that went down 
in history. Wouldn't it be heavenly to 
gather once more around such a bon- 

111 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

fire, to watch the flames shoot higher 
and higher; to shiver, half with cold 
and half with excitement, to hear the 
stirring speeches, the deafening yells, 
and to join in the serpentine march 
after it's all over! {Pauses.) Nell 
you are so practical. Why do you 
bring me down to earth, by even an 
insinuation of rheumatism! {Turns 
page.) No, that isn't a scalp, merely 
a lock from the bushy mane of the foot- 
ball hero who saved the aforesaid 
game! I cut it off, myself, while the 
fellows held him. {Points.) Note this 
particular dance card that's heavily 
outlined with red ink to signify its im- 
portance. My dear, it was at this af- 
fair that I first met Jack; you may see 
his scrawl after eight of the sixteen 
dances. {Pauses.) Nell, you have 
such a way of suggesting unpleasant 
things. Of course I shouldn't want 
my daughter to do it — but that's an- 
other story. {Turns page.) 

Doesn't the junior collection look 
imposing .f* Dear old junior year, the 
best of all ! {Points.) This is the pro- 
gram from the "Prom," where I led, 

112 



MEMORY'S BOOK 

with Bliss Celestial to encompass me, 
Joy Ineffable to guide my footsteps, 
Memories Radiant to follow in my 
train — and Jack to hold my hand. 
Speaking of Jack, here (points) is the 
tobacco-pouch I made him, all in his 
fraternity pink and blue; and to this 
very pouch there clings the one rom- 
ance of my life. I've never told it, 
Nell; but today, it's different, and any- 
way you shall have the story. We 
quarreled, as people foolishly do, and 
each one was too proud to say **forgive 
me" to the other. One day a trusty 
henchman of Jack's brought me back 
this little bag into which I had put so 
many loving stitches, without a word! 
Then, indeed, the bottom of the world 
fell out and wasn't reinstated until 
weeks afterwards, when I found, inside 
the pouch. Jack's repentant little note. 
He had chosen to send it in this way 
and — never mind the sequel, Nell — 
I've been living it ever since. (Turns 
page.) 

Someway, the senior souvenirs are 
not so plentiful, nor so frivolous, nor 
do they bring the same thrill upon 

113 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

retrospection. Maybe i t's because 
there's a certain sadness about it all, a 
realization, never to be wholly dismiss- 
ed, of parting, of future responsibility. 
(Points.) There are all our stunts, 
duly chronicled and duly placed, with 
a special memory for each. A paper 
napkin from the class picnic, scribbled 
over with names. Oh, Nell, some of 
them are on the roll of fame, like you ; 
more of them are just ordinary in- 
dividuals, like me. A tiny knot of 
class colors from the dance — we wore 
them on our sleeves, didn't we, and 
vowed eternal friendship even to our 
enemies? A faded rosebud from the 
play, my first and last curtain call. A 
tiny pin from Baccalaureate Sunday, 
'twas used upon me with force when my 
head began to nod; a brass Phi Beta 
Kappa key from Class Day, to taunt 
me with what I couldn't get ; and mere- 
ly a program of Commencement Night. 
Commencement Night when we march- 
ed boldly up to the magician and by a 
touch of the diploma, were transformed 
into high-browed alumnae! {Closes 
book,) 

114 



MEMORY'S BOOK 

We'll close the book, Nell. It seems 
so long ago, so like a dream existence, 
and — {jumps up) listen, there's Jack's 
whistle. After all the Past is only to 
think about, for there's nothing quite 
so beautiful as the Now! 



115 



AFTER THE CURTAIN 
GOES DOWN 

Characters: 

The Prompter. 
The Cast. 

Scene: The stage. 
The Prompter: Speaks, 

Well it's over, and I reckon I've 
earned the right to draw one good, 
long, full breath. You can't tell me 
anything about artificial respiration — 
I'm a living demonstration of how it 
can be done; if you doubt my state- 
ment, try prompting ! You didn't need 
it? What if you didnt\ I had to 
anticipate your forgetting just the 
same and keep my eyes literally glued 
to the page, all of which cannot be 
labeled as a joke! Why Mildred, 
when you were giving your pathetic 
little speeches to the accompaniment 
of a sniffing audience, I kept blinking 
and blinking until the text fairly 
swam in the flood; and if I hadn't 
held desperately to my rabbit's foot 

117 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

somebody would have been sure to 
forget. Speaking of tear-producing 
situations, why Colonel, your decease 
couldn't have been more effective. All 
we needed to make it quite perfect was 
the Dead March from Saul. What a 
comfort to know that, no matter what 
a failure you make of living, your 
dying was perfectly satisfactory. 

{Turning and speaking mechanically.) 
Oh didn't they do well! I'm so proud 
of every member in the cast that my 
head is in the clouds and I wouldn't 
begrudge anyone the moon itself! 

( Turning in other direction and speak- 
ing sharply.) What's that? The in- 
valid chair broken ? That means we'll 
have to pay for it. Just lead me to the 
heavy-weight that shattered it and I'll 
settle with him. Arch, I believe it 
was you ; you look guilty ! 

{Fretfully.) Do pull up your belt. 
In the last act it was below your waist 
in the back and though I don't suppose 
it matters now, still the Russian blouse 
effect is not meant for you. {Patiently,) 
Yes, Joe, you made love beautifully; 
so beautifully, that we just felt you 

118 



AFTER THE CURTAIN 

must have been doing it all your life; 
anyway a man couldn't help making 
love to Kathryn. {Turning.) Yes, 
Kathryn dear, I see you in spite of 
that barricade of roses and not a one 
of them is so sweet as you. {Quickly,) 
Stuart, do you mind helping me with 
this stuff ? And will you be responsible 
for the Confederate flag? I took it 
from the museum without permission, 
and ever since I've had visions of 
spending a season in the city jail. 
It's better for you to take charge of it. 
Why you surely would endure a little 
thing like that for the good of the 
cause — how unreasonable! Can you 
take this^ and this, and — oh yes, the 
candelabra too; and could you make 
room for the swing and the window 
box.'' That's nice of you. {Sharply,) 
Get out of my way, Johnny Jenkins, 
you bold, bad man! I've often wond- 
ered for what vocation you're fitted; 
but now, since I've seen you as the 
villain in this play — I know. To be 
double-dyed in crime sounds so thrill- 
ing, so mysterious, and so downright 
desperate. {Turning back and speak- 

119 



IN THE COLLEGE DAYS 

ing gushingly .) Oh, thank you, thank 
you. It was pretty I think, and every- 
body did so well. Yes, pretty tired 
if I must confess it, but perfectly will- 
ing to start all over again. {Turning 
again.) Bob Spencer, surely you're 
not going home in that darky rig? 
Why you haven't even taken off the 
blacking! Original, you say? Aborigi- 
nal, I call it. You're likely to be arrested 
but now that the play's over and we 
don't need you for rehearsals, it makes 
no special difference. {Calling.) Girls, 
girls! Please gather up all your traps 
and take them home; last year we 
found fifteen sidecombs, as many powd- 
er puffs and — {suddenly). Here, you 
men! Put all the trees over by the 
steps and don't get the plants mixed 
in with them. This furniture goes 
back tonight; oh yes it does^ even if 
I stay here till morning to see about it. 
Put the swords on the fire-escape. 
Nonsense, it's perfectly safe; and — 
{turning). Oh, Marie! You were the 
sweetest ever, and aren't you sorry 
it's all over and don't you wish we 
were just beginning again? 

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